Get ready Cause here they come!

Those idols, god bless em. It's down to the top 24 and so I will begin watching. But I want to clear something up. Some FAQS if you will and I do:

1. Why do you not review the auditions and Hollywood?
Several reasons, the first being that it makes me very very uncomfortable. I'm one of those people who get embaressed for others. So the auditions are like being caught in a naked at school dream for me. For two hours. The second reason is that Paula is kept in reletive control during these things. If she's not hopped up on booze, pills, powder or a combination than what is the point? As for Hollywood - I simply can't keep up with all the people. I don't want to invest my time in someone who isnt' going to make it.

2. Why do you love American Idol so much?
I had this professor in college who claimed to read Whitman naked. So I tried it, I wanted to feel this burning turn on for the art, the poetry but unfortunately, I just felt itchy and cold. I mean, I love Whitman but he doesn't inspire me to show ass. Idol, on the other hand... See that's my gauge and my only gauge. If your show/book/music makes me bare some boob than I'm in - damn the "quality" or the "value".

3. What's hoyay/boyay and why do you constantly talk about it?
Hoyay/boyay is subtle gay/lesbain erotica, often boiling right under the surface. So when I say Ryan and Simon are very hoyay, I mean that they are soooo close to discovering their love. Or at least the viewing audiences fantasy love. I constantly talk about it because I think hoyay is hohot. If you like massive doses of both ho and boyay check out Smallville. You will not be disapointed.

So, as we get ready to go into the season I hope you can sit back relax, get some wine and please, drop ya drawars....

it's...AMERRRICAN IDOL!

Jovi me all night long

So, I have a confession. I've kiiiiinnd of been avoid Idol. It's just boring and I don't think that's the sobriety talking. With the exit of Sanjaya I lost all interest. I didn't even turn it on last week because, seriously, inspirational songs? And Idol Gives Back? There's something about Dr. Phil and Ben Stiller "helping" poor children that makes me want to throw up. The trainwreck that is decadence meets guilt... Plus, watching children in crisis just makes me cry these days. I heard "Natalie Holloway" the other day and sure enough, a little tear.

I'm also waiting for the exposure of where the money actually went - maybe I'm cynical.

What could bring me back you ask? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jon Bon. Awesome. I talked to my mom and told her Jon Bon was on (cause I had to take the mother call even though it meant only half paying attention to Idol, which in turn means I only half paid attention to her. I can't decide which is worse.) Anyway, she was excited as well.

We begin. Blah blah Seacrest. He's ditched the suit for a more relaxed look featuring his waxy chest. Next!

There's my man - is he wearing!?!? Ah, damn I thought his shirt said Phil Stacey but it says Philly Soul. Speaking of Phil, he's up first. Jon likes him mainly because Phil is gushing about how he's been practicing Blaze of Glory for years or something. On all other occasions (the J Lo drool, the Bennet kiss ass) I would call bullshit on this. However, this time, I think he's telling the truth. He rips it out - Shot dooooonwwwwnnn in a blaazzze of glooorrry. Yes. I love Young Guns. Also, Young Guns 2. And if there ever (god please) is a Young Guns 3 I will love it as well. Phil sounds good but the combination of his dome, brows and balls is still too overwhelming. He's like a giant Mr. Potato head in desperate need of some new parts.

Then there's Jordin who says, "My mom is gonna freak out!" ahahahaha. Poor Jon is none too pleased with this comment. Hey man, maybe her mom is hot! She sings Livin' on Prayer which is my favorite. She slaughters it though. It sucks. I'm bummed cause I like Jordin. How can you mess up Livin on a Prayer? Her Diana Ross hair leaves much to be desired as well.

Kiki banters with Ryan. He's cute, I'll admit it. She says she's never heard Bon Jovi. What the fuck people????? Jon quickly forgives her though when she totally does This Ain't a Love Song justice. Bad. ASS!!!! She stomps around the stage in a display of female strength and sensitivity, she makes the song her own without destroying it's original intent (Blake). It wins her a kiss from Simon. Barf.

Blake. Is. Dead. To. Me.

There is a fan sign that reads "Blake you make me Ache" - I'm going to take this the only way I can and give the tween major props for having a sexual awakening on national television.

Chris, once again compared to Justin Timberlake for no reason. He looks sick of it and I don't blame him. Hee, he says "someone had to do it" about his song choice, Wanted Dead or Alive. Well, you know...I mean, look someone had to do it. Too bad it's Chris. He doesn't sound too bad but he's giving the creepy eye. I don't like it. Quick hold up a mirror to deflect the gaze!

Melinda. Ok, this confirms it. Have a Nice Day and she rocks it. I'm on the Melinda bandwagon ok. Officially. When Paula asks her how she likes rocking, Melinda puts on an exhausted face with a grin and ironically makes the hard core sign. Love it. Love her. Love being won over in the final hours.

And just in case you weren't sure if this country isn't in the middle of some horrible bar joke - the Bush's show up to thank America!

Fucking George and Laura Bush. Unbelievable.

In the way that buffets are "chinese"

Oooh calente! It's Pretend to be Latina week - which means we roll out the carpet for fame whore Yennifer Lopez, give the guys some Depp and let the girls stain their teeth with their fire-engine red lipstick. Also, it means singing a slew of Gloria Estevan songs and really fucking them up. Shall we...it's...Latin-ammmmerrrican Idol!

God, I am so sick of these themes based around the people they get. Next week, country. Gross. And there's already a show about country idols. I wish they would go back to actual entertaining themes or be themeless and just let these guys wail. It's not like the "master" classes are helping any.

Anyway, we start off with...

Melinda which is just as well - let's get it over with. She's singing Sway me Now and trying to be sexy, "I'm so not sexy"....I didn't want to be the one to say it but since you said it first.... Having my grandmother's hairstyle isn't helping her case at all. But her voice and the way she's singing this song? Pretty amazing. She finally drops the act and seems comfortable in the spotlight. Dare I say it - am I "swayed?"



Kiki - in bright red lipstick, of course. We get a whole schitck with J Lo teaching her how to say "conga", as if. WOW BOOBS! Why do people do this song? It's that really fast one by, who else, Ms. Estevan. Want to know something sad? I used to adore this song because I thought the lyrics went "love to hear her passion, love to hear it" and I thought it was about a woman who maybe lived underneath a hot latin couple who liked to have crazy loud sex to music and she would listen to it and get into the 'beat wink wink' and manage to have a good old time herself. But, thanks to this show and the number of people who can't sing this song fast enough, I now know that the lyrics are "love to hear percussion" and the song is just about liking drums and dancing. Kiki is of course butchering it but the band is doing a nice job, maybe even some authentic Mexicans in that group. What do her parents shirts say?



Chris - singing Smooth by Rob Thomas and Santana. What would be really cool is if Santana was there or hell, even Rob Thomas. But instead we get Lopez and Chris Richardson. I know. Ew, he made the hourglass sign. And. He sucks. He can't sing this song at all. You know what else? I have had it with that red light.


Haley - god, those shorts. She's singing another Gloria song, Feel the Beat. Can't go fast enough and over compensates with shouting. She blows. I'm so glad she went home. If this were an Act Like a Parade Horse Idol, she would win.


Phil - who's got a major boner for J Lo. Speaking of, why does she keep looking at the camera? He's singing Maria. I hate this song. I guess he sounds ok, downright genius by his standards. What's with the hat? Stupid phil and his stupid hats!







Jordin - ANOTHER Gloria Estevan song. She looks good but I'm changing the channel...





Blake - awww, ok he can be kind of cute. A decent fansign - Shake N' Blake! I like it. He sounds good and owns the song, per usual. I like him this week.

Is Paula wearing a wig?


Sanjaya - he's grown some facial hair! They are trying to make him look as Mexican as possible - hahahhaha. It's brilliant. And we have to give him some credit because he's the only contestant to actually sing something in Spanish. He does it well too. Next week Danny and I are going to start voting for him, since it's getting down to the wire. He handles all the criticism and Ryan's assholiness really well.

That was the show. Of course, I left out all the self-congratulatory crap that is surrounding Idol Gives Back.

12 Hopefull Dopefulls

Finally, we are down to the Top 12. These are the tour people so they actually (sort of) matter. In other happy news, turns out CI is the Law and Order getting the Anna Nicole saga!! I do love some Goran....

Wow, they are really patting themselves on the back, recalling some past winners...leaving out others - Rueben who? Ahahahhaha, Seacrest's mike isn't even on. And I have to say, he suit is atrocious, I hate that diarrhea tie. Can I also take this moment to say how much I dislike Sheryl Crow? She said AI was commercial (which last time I checked they weren't pretending to be anything else) and blah blah blah. Then you can catch her Herbal Essances commercial two seconds later. Go beat some cancer bitch. Kelly Clarkston's Proactive spots kick your ass.

OK, back to the 12. It's Diana Ross night. Good luck Idols. Diana and her hair "mentors" the Idols on their songs. She seems pretty cool

Brandon - blah blah Ross ass kissing. Aw, he says all little "I'm nervous". He's singing You Can't Hurry Love. He's been lied to by Diana cause he sounds like shit. It's just too quiet and passive and breathy. He's lurching around the stage like Frankenstein on a bender. OH he forgot the words...boo. Perhaps he should have worried more about that and less about the disturbing hip shake. BOOTED



Ugh, Melinda - I just. don't. know. I mean, ok, this woman has an amazing voice...but she's just so...................................> Wow, that was actually a cute exchange between Ryan and Simon. I wish I had it on tape. Ew, I also hate this girl's modesty. Grow some fucking confidence or at least quit faking the whole "doe in the morning" act. She's singing Home. I don't even enjoy this song or this musical. She sounds lovely but that's beside the point. The crowd and judge's cream themselves, of course. Paula sheds many a tear, I love it.

Chris - he's my favorite. He points out that he has the same hair as Diana. He's doing Endless Love, let's face someone had to do it. I'm glad it's Chris. Diana hates his rendition so I'll probably like it. Here he goes. He masturbates the microphone. He's ditched the glasses and put on a sport coat/t-shirt combo for the whole 80s feel. And he is rocking this dull ass song!! He gets it. I love when these fools understand what they are singing. The judges hate it.

Gina - she's going to sing Love Child cause she used to sing it when she was four. Now, remember Gina is this year's "rocker", you can tell cause she's wearing jeans with her heels. She sounds, ok. Not great though. She needs to quit strutting around and just stop and wail. Ryan said Gina like Justin would say it!!!


Sanjaya - oh mya. I do enjoy this weird little pixie man. I think he's the pick on Vote for the Worst, isn't he? Someone check on that for me. Diana believes that Sanjaya is "love", notice she didn't say "any good". Ain't No Mountain High Enough is his choice. Wow, his hair! Stunning. He could totally take the Westminster crown, it's so fluffy. I like his voice, it's unique. You can tell he's not comfortable though. Let me give him some advice. Sanjaya baby doll - you gay. mmmkay. Let it shine!! And girl, wigs are your friend. You're pretty, call me.


Haley - who you may know as The Girl who Should have Gone Last Week. She's singing Missing You and Diana believes she has a recording voice not a live voice. Hmm, turns this song is about missing Marvin Gaye, who knew? I'm not a fan of this girl but she is doing really well with this song. It's the best so far. I also like the dress. Classy. The judges don't like it cause she forgot the words and was pitchy. Simon didn't think it was that bad.


Phil - he just wants to get the song right...and damn, what is with Diana and Marvin Gaye? Ooops, I missed what he's singing ahahhahahha he forgot to switch out the sexes and he's "going to do all the things you want a girl to do". HOYAY! Too bad he looks like that guy who confessed to Jon Benet's murder. I guess he sounds ok, nothing special.






Lakisha - I never remember this girl, she goes by Kiki. Kiki is the name of my new favorite detective the cool ass Kiki Strike. Man, I missed what she's singing, I need to pay better attention. Oh it's God Bless the Child, depressing. This girl has cool voice, she talks like my friend Ayanna. I think this girl will bust out in the next few weeks if she can make it. She's winning me over, in fact, she brought the place down! Bravo Keeks.

Blake - he listens to indie music but lists Michael Jackson as his all time favorite artist. What? You Keep me Hangin On. He's dancing? I mean, I guess he's cool. I guess. I'm not sure how he updated the song besides adding some techno sounding background shit. Of course all the tweens luv it 2 de max.

Stephanie - singing Love Hangover wearing a curtain. She sounds good and is all womanly about things but there's something missing. Maybe it's the song...sort of boring. Judge's were waiting for it to get going as well.





Chris - another forgettable face. He's endearing being all flustered and stuffs. He's doing The Boss. I'm unfamiliar with this song... and I will continue to be so because I can't understand a word he's saying. He's so nasal. All of these men need to turn off Justin Timberlake, who is neither sexy nor back and has no place with idol imitators. Gross. Oh and his voice sucks ass. Danny thinks he sounds like the Maroon 5 singer, who used to be in Kara's Flowers who incidentally was the band behind the first dance choice at our wedding. I disagree with Danny on this one.

Jordan - Diana isn't very impressed with this girl. But she likes her smile and eyes, which is what you need to sing. If We Hold on Together from Land Before Time is the song choice. Funny. She's on the steps...a step singer. And you know what? She sounds exactly like she's singing a Disney theme song. If that was her goal, well then, mission accomplished. I feel bad for her going last, it's a tough spot because everyone including me is over it.

Damn, maybe it's the fact that this season I can't spend these two hours refilling my scotch and water but AI is severely lacking in the talent I have come to depend on. Also, Paula? Really needs to step up the meds cause she was way too coherent tonight.

Most recent AI - Ryan Seacrest has other Duties

Ryan congratulates Jennifer Hudson. And kudos, I guess. I didn't see that movie she was in. If Paula Abdul isn't involved I really don't care what happens to the "idols".

Has anyone ever caught the tour? Oh, it's inspiration week.

Phil Stacey dedicates his performance to his naval brothers. I said, naval! Perverts. He joined after 911. He's working on making this country a safer place by singing "i Ain't Missing You". He sounds pretty good. Too bad he looks like Yul Brenner on smack. I love this song - I'm not sure why. Danny just made a "don't ask don't tell joke"....classy. Paula slurs something about tonage, this promises to be a great night. Simon says his voice is unoriginal. I disagree.

Have I expounded on my hatred of the putting fingers in the air in correspondence to the number to call? No, well. The thing is - I KNOW what the number 4 is. You don't need to hold up four fingers for me to get it. I won't accidently vote for #5 if you don't hold up the appropriate amount of digits. In fact, last year I would only vote for the person who didn't hold up fingers.

Ew, the lounge room features a big gross wheel coffee table.

Jared Cotter gives it up to mom and his dad. Real original Jared. He's singing some Marvin Gaye - odd choice for a man who just dedicated his "idol journey" to his parents. *backstory for those of you who may not know - Marvin Gaye was shot and killed by his father* Oh, and "Let's Get it On", even stranger.... He doesn't sound black enough, no soul at all. Damn! Ok, I take it back, the final face rubdown was so dirty! Rowr! Do your mom Jared!

Paula is melting, literally. But she is funny with Simon. Ryan is wearing a flight attendant's uniform - I just noticed.

AJ Tabaldo - another mama's boy. Danny just said his dad looks like the Mexican from Sesame Street!! I can't understand him, he's totally flat but it sounds sort of weird and cool. Like, if you were in a dark club and got caught in the back rooms, maze area and began hearing the music and the party but can't find your way back then you run into a killer get your throat slit and then up beat brings Gil Grissom and his team of crackerjack CSIs to quip over your dead body. One thing is for sure - A.J. believes in layers, that way he can be comfortable no matter what the temperature.

Commercial break - ohmygod, how cute was a kid Hiro?

Sanjaya Malakar dedicates to his song to his grandfather who died when he was 5. He sings "Steppin Out" He's got some weird pimp hat. It doesn't suit him. And this song is too old. I think this is it for him. His voice is amazing but he's too timid and strange. Much better suited for peeping.

Chris Sligh - whaat? He's married? How old is this guy? Wow, his wife is very cute. Sweet. I have a soft spot for people who love their wives ;) He sings some song about being saved by a woman and sounds awesome. He doesn't over play it and just feels it. Love him. To quote Paula he's "real awesome".

I love the Slowski's commercials.

Nick Pedro gives it up to his girlfriend. They've been together for "awhile". I wonder if he'll propose on the show. He sings "Fever". Hard choice, it's easy to go cabaret on this song - whiiiiiich is exactly what he's doing.

Phone call!

So, I'm going to have to miss a few guys. Blake Lewis is next and I hate him with a burning passion.