Sing it stupid.

At first I was glad I was out of town last Tuesday. I had enough of Gwen Stefani back in 2000 so I really don't need the annoying pout and asian rip off here in '07. Then, I saw Sanjaya. Man, I love that kid. It's the first time I was ever thankful for having video on a phone. In this weird Sanjaya run universe I actually agree with Howard Stern and disagree with Randi Rhodes.

Mentored by Tony Bennet!!! Oh god, fucking WHY?? First the 60s and now Tony Bennet. Even Seacrest is dressed all in black for this funeral. Randy is wearing sparkly stuff. Paula looks like a themed dog calendar and Simon is in a t-shirt. Ahahaha, Tony is wearing a mustard coat with some stylish wire frames. Those glasses are huge! I have to say, it's nice to see a man act his age - you hear me Kenny Rogers?

Blake
Singing Mack With a Knife. Tony wants to shut Blake's "beat" down. Ew, Blake actually curled his lip. He sounds ok, I wish I knew or liked this song. It's about sharks and shark bites...or poker maybe..or church. It's confusing. I think Blake will go to the end. He's pretty charismatic. Randy thought this was the perfect song for him because he's "jazzy cool". Paula says "pizazzzzzz" "hip cat". In an upnote, the commercial features one of my favorite old songs "What'll I do".

Mr. Bean and Harry Potter are on line for the "Idol Give's Back" thing....

Leukemia Phil
It must be senior home day. Phil is in an atrocious argyle sweater and needs to shave his receding hairline again. Tony Bennet is going deaf, he mentions something about Phil being a good singer... He's singing Day and Night, ugh, it's terrible. His head keeps wiggling back and forth, he's over the top and is channeling Yul Brenner but not cool King and I Yul Benner, more like two weeks from dead Yul Brenner. His family wears Vote Phil shirts, not FOR Phil. Just Vote Phil. Simon hits it on the head "there was no life in this performance".

Who is this person? I've never seen this big headed munchin before... must be a glitch, I'll just change my television....beep.

Hoorah! Viewer question: Leeann of Georgia - how do you choose a song? Boo, Leeann, that was a boring question.

Chris (the one left)
Mr. Saturday Dance - a Duke Ellington song. My favorite illustrators illustrated a book called Ellington was Not a Street. I wish I were reading that book instead of watching Chris and his suspenders smooze aroung stage. He's so...average. His voice, his pointy smile - oh wow, Randy loved it. I don't get it...



Jordin
According to Tony singing in tune is rare these days...hmm, he must have caught Gwen Stefani's new album. Jordin sounds good and I still love her name. She's such a Bond girl. She's only minimally smoozy which is the main problem with this genre. She takes it up and has fun with it. I do too, bravo Jordin. WOW, a decent sign - Sparkin a Jordin! I can only assume that all over America people are lighting up giant jordins.

Gina
Smile by Charlie Chaplin. Here's what I think of when I hear Charlie Chaplin - Marilyn Monroe screwed his son. Here's what Tony B thinks of - soldiars in Iraq. Clearly, he needs to get out more. Gina is made up like a cheap hooker, I think she's got the wrong war. It's not Vietnam sweetcheeks. She's boring and probably in danger of going home this week. You know how I would have done this song? Like an angry demand, like my mother right before church and right after the huge fight we had in the car.

SANJAYA
Aw, his goal is to make American realize that he really can sing. He's "singing" Cheek to Cheek. Yay!!!! They have him gussed up like a total lounge lizard. He looks great and by great I mean drunk and depressed in a smoke filled room at 4 a.m. Would you want him any other way? Oh and he sang some too. Sign reads: Sanjaya is my Papaya - I have no idea what that means but kudos for trying. Did you hear the latest conspiracy? The people in India's call centers are constantly voting from their cubicles. I don't buy this theory because I know for a fact that these people are too busy miscommunicating with cingular customers.

Haley
Viewer question: Are you more nervous for the crowd or the judges? Haley cops out and chooses both. Tony rips her a new one since she doesn't understand the song. See the song, is all about loving one person but Haley and her boobies like to play it up for every straight man in the house. She sounds ok, but is acting really dumb. Like a flapper from the 20s - which would be ok if it was 20s week. No scratch that - it would still be annoying. As for her voice? Meh. Oooohhh, the judges don't like it and Simon calls them out on not commenting on the performance than cracks "you've got good legs".


Lakisha
I think she's singing Stormy Weather - oh, yeah, ok she is. It's good but too slow. Ooo, she pulled up her skirt. Haley needs to take a lesson from Kiki. Confident sexpot is always more seductive than loose cheerleader. As usual she rocks.

OK, let's hope next week isn't Mick Jagger or some shit. My prediction - Haley or Gina walk tomorrow.