Paula Paula Paula

Explains it all...she was abducted by aliens. Slightly amusing, I guess. She still claims sobriety and that she has "never been drunk" in her life. Oooookkkaayyy you drunk bitch.

Well, Ryan has been raiding my grandpa's closet and Danny's uncle's tie rack. He's a miniature gay dentist! And two mikes - is that necessary? Here come our idols, looking sharp some of you. Paula looks like a big orange Indian Jones heroine, which is to say - awesome and dirty. The theme is 60s British Invasion. Barf. It's no small secret but I don't like. *big breath* the Beatles. None of them, not even Ringo. Hmm, did not know that Dusty Springfield was British. Who? Who are these fucking mentors? Peter someone works the boys, and Lulu someone else works with the girls - ahahahaa the guys name is Peter NOONE!! Indeed.



Haley
Tell Him I think He's Perfect. Lulu thinks Haley is Mediocore. Haley thinks Lulu is Useful. Out of the gate, she sounds too timid. And snapping. and wearing little boy shorts. The whole thing is pretty desperate. I mean, the song is cute and so is she but her voice falls under the snare drum. Somehow the crowd confuses this total crap with greatness and gives her a standing ovation. Paula and Randy like it while Simon calls her a "naughty little thing".



Chris
Chris's goal for this week is to finally nail a song. Good luck with that one. Peter likes his look but not his voice. Everyone keeps talking about how hot this boy is but I just do not see it. Someone clue me in. Singing Don't Let the Sun Catch you Crying underneath some orange ass lights. He gets applause after the first line...again, what? He sounds like he's straining and this song is super boring. Ugh, he's so nasally. I wish this was a porn competition because for some reason I can see him excelling at that....in a weird Ron Jeremy kind of way.... oh it's over. Good. The judges like it, they blow.



Stephanie
When did trashy earrings come back in style? I used to love earrings but not really so much anymore. She's going to sing You Don't Have to say you Love Me. It's a big arrangement, interesting. She sounds beautiful and looks good in a blue minidress - god those boots. I know you're wading through shit on this show sweetie but those boots can stay at home. I try to focus on the song, cause it's a good one and Stephanie is working it. Whaaatt? Randy doesn't like it, Paula likes the clothes (she is high tonight!!! yay!!) and Simon forces a self-evaluation. They make us do that at work now. Bitches. What am I supposed to say about myself besides that I'm super awesome? It's a catch-22.


Blake
Ooops, I missed him cause I was picking up Danny but apparently whatever he did was cream. Everyone is screaming. The signs this year really suck as well, I mean "Blake is Great"? I mean, come ON people. Aw, Ryan Seacrest can kind of dance.


Lakisha a.k.a. Kiki
Lulu and Kiki put on a stupid show that basically amounts to Lulu getting to sing on camera. Kiki ignores Lulu and sings Diamonds are Forever. She sounds good but this song isn't right for her. She's singing it ala James Bond. Doo doo dooooo daaaa waaaa, you know. no? This whole performance is bizarre. For once I can't wait to hear what the judges say. Oh, it's from a James Bond film! The crowd loved it but Randy accurately points out that there was "no Lakisha" in it. I hope she does better next week, like I said before, she reminds me of my friend Ayanna and I want my friends to win contests.



Phil
He's singing Tobacco Road. I've never heard of this song but he says it's fun to sing. Noone thinks it's a good choice. Oooo, back up people Phil is roking oot. Dare I admit it....it's a good song for him. He can yell and not sound stupid, then go low, kind of Elvis-like. He's got Paula on her feet, I didn't say steady, but on her feet none the less. Bravo Phil, you're still a weird ass though. Whaaaaaatttt? Mandy Moore is Phil's wife? Did you see that?




Jordin
I like Jordin, she seems wise beyond her years. She's going to sing, I who Have Nothing. I who have no patience am not sure about this... Oh no, out come the orange lights again. Did Paula demand this? This song sounds like a broadway tune. Not that I'm knocking that, in fact in my kitchen this afternoon I was totally breaking out some Les Mis Eponine madness. Oh, right, the real singer's on stage. She's doing so good. She's loud but it's appropriate. Singing the words "I love you" is one of the hardest things to do. In my humble opinion, best all night. Paula has shed the velvet jacket to reveal a strange necklace of giant orangish blobs. The remind me of when Wes wore a poncho and a those chili lights for Halloween. But to keep them lit up he had to sit by an outlet all night, and we crashed this party so Kelly could piss off some bitch and Wesly sat against the wall telling everyone he was selling piping hot dog weiners. And me? I childishly thought it was hilarious.



Sanjaya
Peter is trying to be nice...it's not working. Poor Sanjaya, he's singing You Really Got Me - the song of fast food commercials world wide. They've put him in a Rolling Stones jacked and glove things. He's trying to sex it up and causes a little girl to actually pull back in tears! I can't help how great I think Sanjaya is, I hope he stays. God damn, that little girl is falling apart!!! The judges actually like it, me too. It sounded strange but it worked - again little girl shot. This girl is going to be all over YouTube tomorrow. In various incantations of course.


Gina
AAAAHHHH, Gina said she tries not to look at critiques on blogs - was that a nod to me? I think it was. Gross. She's singing Paint it Black, of course she is. Cause she's dark. Get it. She's doing ok but compared to some of the others, it's not working. I don't really know what to say...it's just kind of what you would expect it to be. Let's put it this way - if you have to tell us you're hard core it kind of defeats the purpose.

Chrisdouce -
I missed him cause Shelby called and she is way more interesting. I like Chris though and I want him to go far. I did catch him asking noone about being sexy. You can tell that even though he's funny and has a hot wife, he's also insecure. It's ok Chris!!! I would never find you sexy but I would totally hook you up with my drunk friend!

And that last girl I missed on purpose because I'm pretending she doesn't exist.

Overall, a better show than last week.